i'd rather die terrified

still i believe that WE ARE LUCKY, WE ARE GOLDEN, we have stolen manners in the days when we were young

you're the only compass that i know.

and then, should i be happy or be brave?

voy a holandis por este semestre proximo para que estudiar y pasar tiempo con un muy muy muy buen amigo... y especialmente estudiar...necesito una visa y despues voy a pasar dos semanas, quizas, en koln para que buscar un departemiento en leiden...que linda vida. mexico, te extrano...

I wish I could stop playing that Andrew Bird song in my head, but I think any song that successfully (...more or less) incorporates the word regime has my vote!

First year ends in two weeks. I'm going to MEXICO in 16 days to visit a friend, to volunteer in a hospital, to have a serious talk. I'm mostly excited.

I failed my spanish class because I didn't realize we actually had to turn in the homework. I'm auditing, not actually graded, but it still stings - especially since it's a ten-person class and because the homework, completed, is sitting on my desk - finished, just never turned in. shit. although considering my test grades were absolutely fine, i think i could have been given a heads-up at some point, although it's still clearly my fault.

anyway i'm so happy with the year drawing to a close - but SO unmotivated! Failing this final block because I just can't study anymore - now THAT would sting. But I'm just so happy!

you have no idea how much i miss you

coffee's great - keeps you wide awake on a friday night when you plan to study until 5 at least - but then after 20 oz of the worst shit you've ever tasted you realize you're too fuckin hyper to study anyway and start trolling the web for funny things about med students

"Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream

Bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday, the first pack I had bought since - last november, maybe october. I've smoked since, but only rarely. I lit one up and the taste was horrible, maybe because I haven't really smoked in so long, maybe because I only had three dollars cash and so I bought the cheapest in the store; but the feel was perfect: just me and the cigarette, cross-legged under the front porch light, raining outside. And unfortunately that's why I'll never really quit smoking: because although these days I don't really need it - I don't even smoke when I'm drinking these days - I will never be able to give up the feeling of contentment of just being by myself and smoking a cigarette. Sure, it's a bad excuse, but you can't argue with the truth.

Also it made me miss Gwen (why? biology major? no real connection to anecdote, but) and it's always nice to think of people you haven't in a while, right?

At any rate spring break is in a week and I have plans! Savannah for a day trip, somewhere new for a road trip, an old friend for a companion, things will be good.